After a few months off of Jdate, I've finally updated. My new post is at the bottom of the page and titled "Meet the Parents". If you are new to the blog I suggest reading the posts in order. Enjoy.
The First Jdate
Because this is my first real entry, I'll try and be more narrative. That being said, if you want to get to the really ridiculous part of the story, just scan ahead to the part labeled RIDICULOUS, otherwise just read on... I was really nervous the first few times I signed into Jdate. I didn't have any friends on Jdate or even any friends who were into the online dating thing, so the whole concept was a bit foreign to me, even a bit intimidating. After fumbling around the site for a few days and getting a basic profile up, I was ready to take a more proactive approach, searching through profiles and contacting people online. Much to my surprise, before I could contact anyone on my own, I received an IM from a nice Jewish girl (I'll call her J for the remainder of this entry).
J was a cute, petite, blonde girl from NE Philly. We talked for about 45 minutes online with the ghetto IM interface that Jdate provides, before J needed to go to sleep, because she had work the next day. We agreed to chat again and parted digital ways. Over the next few days we chatted a few more times and decided that we should meet in person. At the time, I didn't have a car in Philly, so I told her that I would take the R6 up to her area and we could grab dinner around there. She had mentioned in an earlier conversation that she really liked Italian food, so I suggested we grab Italian for dinner. J agreed and said that her favorite Italian place was right by the train station. The day or our date arrived, and admittedly I was really excited... I had no idea what I was getting into. The train arrived and J was waiting in her car. We said hi, made some small talk, and headed to our gourmet restaurant destination. It turns out that J's favorite Italian restaurant was the Olive Garden. This was disturbing for two reasons. First, on a metaphysical level, I don't believe its possible for the Olive Garden to be anyone's favorite restaurant, Italian or otherwise. The Olive Garden is the definition of mediocre. Second, I spent 3 months of my life working at the Olive Garden. If you knew what I knew about their food preparation processes, specifically their breadstick preparation methods, you would never eat at the Olive Garden again. (RIDICULOUS) After an 80-minute wait and enough small talk for a medium-sized cocktail party, we sat down for our mediocre Italian meal. We didn't seem to have much in common other than being Jewish, living in Philly, and being mildly attracted to each other, but after the meal ended she invited me back to her place to "watch a movie and hang out." For those of you not well versed in modern day vernacular, that means she wanted to make out.
She drove me back to her place, and as she pulled into her driveway, I saw another car parked in her driveway. Curiously, I asked if her roommate was home. J simply responded, "No. That's my Mom's car." I wasn't really sure how to react. She had never mentioned living with her Mom before, but I could certainly understand how someone would be reluctant or embarrassed to mention it, so I just went with it. J walked me inside and introduced me to her Mother, who was sitting at the kitchen table. Not more than 10 seconds after our introduction, J's mother started crying uncontrollably. Needless to say, I didn't really know how to react to this. I simply figured that I had done something wrong or offensive, so I asked J, "Did I do something wrong? I'm so sorry; I really didn't mean to upset or hurt anyone." J simply responded by starting to cry even more than her mother. At this point I thought to myself, "This is easily the most weird/surreal experience that I have ever had in my life." After about 15 of the most awkward seconds of my life, J's mother says, "I'm sorry, it's just that you look so much like my husband..." and J finished her sentence, "... who died three weeks ago."
I've heard or weird Freudian complexes, but this was fucking ridiculous. I didn't really know what to do, so I just figured I'd make the most of the situation. I simultaneously gave them both a really big hug and simply said, "I'm so sorry." I went on to explain how my grandfather died when I was 16 and how it was a very hard/traimatic experience in an attempt to comfort them a bit. After a few more minutes crying and prolonged awkward silences while still hugging them, they both stopped crying and thanked me (which I actually remember really appreciating at the time). At this point, I was absolutely sure she would take me back to the train station. She asked me if I was ready to go upstairs and watch the movie. Though I'm a huge fan of making out, I don't really like doing it while the girl's mother is home or after she has just cried uncontrollably for 15 minutes (call me picky if you must). At this point I didn't really have the heart to say no, so we went up to her room and she showed me her DVD selection (no that isn't a euphemism).
I decided to pick the least romantic movie she had, Pitch Black (the prequel to Chronicles of Riddick). About 15 minutes into the movie, her Mother knocked on the door and said, "Goodnight you two, it was great meeting you, see you two in the morning." This was horribly wrong for a variety of reasons. First, I don't really consider hugging someone for 15 minutes while they cry uncontrollably "meeting them," and second, why would she see me in the morning? I didn't know how to respond, so I simply said "Goodnight!" Not more than 30 seconds later, J started rubbing my left leg with her hand and nuzzling my neck. Most any other time in my life I probably would have gone with it (remember she was very cute) but all I could think to myself was, "How the fuck am I going to get out of this?" The only thing I could think of saying was, "J, I really like you, but I really think that we are moving too fast." I was really thinking to myself, "This has been the most crazy/awkward night of my life, and I have no idea how you could actually think that I'd be in the mood to romance you after that, especially considering your mother is in the room next to us." The movie ended not a moment too soon, J drove me back to the train station, we promised that we would talk to each other again soon (this happens often on Jdates for some reason even though neither party has this intention), and we parted ways.
My first Jdate was over. I'm not quite sure why I continued with Jdate after such an odd/dysfunctional first experience, but I guess I figured that the second one couldn't be as bad as the first and on some level my experience was so incredibly ridiculous that it was a bit entertaining (even to me) in retrospect. Though my later experiences with Jdate weren't quite as ridiculous, I had a few that were at least as awkward and just as interesting. Check back soon for details on those..
You're In! An Awkward Sexual Experience (The title will make sense after you read it)
It was a Thursday night in the spring when she first contacted me. I don't remember the day or even the month, I just know that it was a Thursday. I know that it was a Thursday night, because about an hour into a pretty fantastic conversation she revealed to me that she was feeling really high on life. Though I am quite the cunning linguist, I suspected my conversational skills were not the reason for her elation. I asked her why, and she explained that on Thursday nights she got together with one of her male friends and they spanked each other. They didn't make out. They didn't have sex. They simply spanked each other. Though that's not really my style, it seemed relatively harmless, so I didn't really think anything of it and our witty banter continued.
Admittedly, I was initially a bit worried about the spanking incidents. I mean I like mixing it up in the bedroom just as much as the next guy, but for some reason I kept on having visions of the sex slave from Pulp Fiction in the full body black leather suit with matching gag and leather whip and I really wasn't okay with that. Still, it was only about 45 seconds of our 2 hours conversation, so I decided that I should give her a chance. We talked a lot and went on a few really nice dates over the next two or three weeks. We even made out a few times and it was completely normal. I kept on expecting her to give me a kiss then punch me in the face, but to my pleasant surprise it never happened, and so I eventually stopped worrying about it.
Then one night she came into the city for dinner and we went back to my place afterwards. One thing led to another and we ended up topless on my bed. I was about to give go to give her another kiss when she looked me in the eyes and loudly said, "BITE ME!" It seems my fears from earlier might yet be realized, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions so I timidly asked, "What do you mean bite me?" She replied a bit exasperated, "You know, bite me." I knew full well what she wanted, but just to make sure I asked, "You mean a sensual nibble?" Instantly her facial expression became incredibly stern and she impatiently demanded, "No, I want you to bite me hard. I want you to bite my nipple and I want it to bleed." About 300 things ran through my head in the next .2 seconds. Here's a sampling. First, the words "Oh Shit!". Second, I was really confused, because I had seen her nipples quite a few times and there weren't any bite marks. Third, I thought, "How can I best communicate to her that I'm not a biter?" Fourth I thought, "I really hope she doesn't punch me in the face." Finally I said, "I think it would make me uncomfortable to bite you so hard that you would bleed." In a million years I could have never anticipated her reaction. She looked at me with a smirk of intense annoyance and said, "Well will you at least pee on me right now?"
This was disturbing for at least three reasons. First, I don't really understand the golden shower thing. I know that some people are into it and I know that there are a lot of pheromones in pee so I can at least see how there might be some biological basis for it, but as a rule I try and keep toilet related functions out of the bedroom. Second, the use of the words "at least" imply that me peeing on her is way more acceptable than biting her hard enough to cause bleeding. Even months after the incident I'm still not sure which of the two is worse, but the fact that social hierarchy of golden showers and blood inducing nipple biting was so clear cut to her is almost as disturbing as the fact that she wanted me to do both of them to her. Finally, the "right now" implied that she wanted me to pee on her while she was still in my bed. Though I am 99.9% sure that I will never pee on anyone for the purpose of inducing a positive sexual response, I am 100% positive that if it ever does happen it will not involve any urine getting on my bed. Luckily, she had driven her own car into the city that night, so I didn't need to drive her back out to the suburbs. I can imagine that being the most awkward car ride ever.
On a certain level I think I blame myself for this one. Maybe I should have known better or seen this one coming after the whole weekly Thursday spanking conversation. Maybe I let the fact that she was really great in a lot of ways overshadow something that clearly was going to come back and bite me (note pun). Maybe I was willing to do this, because I had been on Jdate for a few months without finding anyone the I really liked as much as her. Maybe now you understand the name of the story.
Die Hippy Die
I have accepted that there are three things in life that I am fundamentally incapable of understanding. First, I have no idea how women (or anyone for that matter) can enjoy watching Lifetime. Its supposed to be a network for women, but every movie is about a woman who is beaten, raped, killed, stalked or abused in some other way. Maybe its because I'm a guy. Maybe its because the channel sucks. I'm going with the latter. Second, why the fuck is everyone wearing crocs? They are pieces of colored styrofoam that cost $40. The last time a shoe was this popular I was 8 and everyone was wearing those sneakers with the little pump, because Little Penny Hardaway was telling them to. At least they had some added functionality. Sucking and being ugly (I view these as the sole functions of crocs) doesn't count as added functionality. I just don't get it. Finally, I don't understand hippies. Why do some people find it appealing to not shower, blame "the man" for everything, not shave, and eat ridiculous amounts of flax seed? Too much pot? Not enough common sense? I posit that it is a bigger puzzle than how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. Though this might seem like an eclectic mix of issues to address in my Jdate blog, this entry is about my Jdate with a croc-wearing, lifetime-watching, flax seed eating hippie.
She looked really normal and cute in her pictures, but sometime between when those pictures were taken and the day we met up, something went horribly wrong. She showed up wearing a lifetime television tanktop and crocs with visible armpit hair at least 47 times longer than the hair on her head (remember she was wearing a tanktop). I knew that I was in for the longest dinner of my life. Though there were plenty of gems from that night, let me give you some highlights. She was an IR major, specifically concerned with AIDS in Africa, certainly a noble subject of study. After telling me how corporations were destroying Africa (which is at least partially accurate), she told me that it was her dream to one day go to Sri Lanka in Africa to help slow the progression of HIV/AIDS through sub-saharan Africa. Unfortunately for her, Sri Lanka is a country off the Eastern coast of India, which isn't really that near sub-saharan Africa. I was going to correct her, but I really didn't see that leading the conversation anywhere positive, so I decided instead to bring up the broader topic of travel. We talked about how we both enjoyed travel (but really everyone enjoys travel/vacation so it wasn't a huge coincidence) and she told me that the only downside of travel is when she "catches the jetlag". She went on to explain that doctors aren't quite sure what causes the illness, but that its very contagious at high altitudes and most travelers on longer flights come down with some form of the illness. I changed topics immediately.
After a few other failed conversations, we finally arrived at sports (I'm a huge Phillies fan). Though I was half expecting a hippie rant about the patriarchy, she immediately and proudly proclaimed that her favorite sport is cornholing. I'll assume that most of you are like me and know the more common definition of cornholing, which involves an asshole and penetration. I knew that either a) I was missing something or b) cornholing actually was her favorite sport either of which was pretty hilarious, so I asked, "So why exactly is cornholing you're favorite sport, and how exactly did you get into it?" She said, "Well I'll answer your second question first, I think my dad first taught me about cornholing when I was really young, but I don't quite remember, it might have been my brother." It was a dark restaurant so luckily she didn't see how wide my eyes had suddenly become, giving off a clear "What the fuck??!?!" She continues, " As for your first question, I just find it really satisfying to grab the bean bags and try to hurl them through the holes, especially the smaller, more difficult ones." Though entirely possible to read sexual meaning into that, it was at this point I realized that there may be alternate definitions for cornholing (it turns out that cornholing is literally just throwing bean bags through holes cut in wooden boards... not surprisingly, its only popular in the midwest).
Luckily, the check arrived at that exact moment, so I made up some excuse about why I needed to get going, we hugged, said goodbye, and then she asked me to braid her armpit hair (she didn't actually do this). I was pretty impressed with how quickly I ducked out of there. It was maybe 60 seconds from the time the check arrived until I walked out the door. In case you were wondering, we never saw each other again. Oh yeah, Lifetime Movie Network sucks too.
The Insomniac
Our first date was pretty normal. We met at Rum Bar for drinks, talked about how we both disliked hippies, crocs, and Lifetime Movie Network, and parted ways after posing with the statue that looks like Captain Morgan in the front of the bar. We met up briefly at her apartment a few days before the second date because she wanted me to "meet her dog" but it was pretty clear she was just using this as an excuse to makeout. Nothing too exciting happened that night. There were tons of pictures of naked women in her apartment that she had drawn. They were actually pretty good, except all of their crotch areas were disgustingly overgrown... imagine a baby black bear where the vajay-jay should have been. Her dog also kept on dry humping my leg, which was kind of awkward (especially when she was doing it too).
Things seemed to be going pretty well, so on our second date, I decided to step things up a notch, and take her to El Vez. We were talking for a bit, then, in the middle of describing what I did at work that day to her, she grabbed my leg under the table and said, "If people weren't eating dinner at the table next to us, I would fuck you on it right now." My initial thought was, "This is certainly promising for my chances of getting laid later", but I didn't really understand why people eating dinner at the table next to us was such a deterrent, but the other 300 people eating dinner in in the restaurant didn't seem to matter. Second, my job is pretty neat, but I'm not a professional athlete, powerful politician, or corporate executive, so I didn't really understand why it gave her such a raging female boner. I touched her hand under the table and said, "I suppose well just need to wait until later... plus I only have sex in El Vez if its on top of a ridiculous bicycle with neon lights and a portrait of Oscar de la Hoya." For those of you that haven't been to El Vez, this statement was mildly witty, because the centerpiece of the bar is a rotating, ridiculous bicycle with neon lights and a portrait of Oscar de la Hoya. I didn't drive that night, because driving after a pitcher of margaritas is the worst idea ever.
We hailed a taxi and literally 3 seconds after we shut the taxi door, jumped on top of and straddled me and started to give me the worst hickey I've ever had in my life (one friend later admitted to me that he thought I got punched in the neck, especially after hearing my other Jdate stories). While in theory the giant hickey might be hot, it just seemed a bit weird in the taxi... plus the cab driver was way too into it (I believe his exact quote was: "Oh Yeah! Grind that bitch good!"). We went back to my place and... About 30 seconds after our adult activities had concluded, she asked where she could find boxers and a t-shirt and raided my dresser, quickly exclaiming that my clothes were much nicer than her last boyfriends. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! She had not only invited herself to stay over, but also declared herself my girlfriend in the 12 seconds it took to get from my bed to my dresser. But why was she the insomniac? When I woke up the next morning her face was 6 inches from mine staring intently.
She didn't say good morning, she simply said, "I didn't sleep a wink, but you were adorable to look at all night... I hope you don't mind that I was flicking the bean in bed last night. I just couldn't help myself, looking at and being in bed with you just made me so hot and I didn't want to wake you up." I didn't know how to react... I could only think to myself, "Did she just say 'flicking the bean?'" I realized that I needed to respond to her comment so I said, "Of course I don't mind. That happens to me all the time... I mean if I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me, I'd have at least a dollar fifty." She laughed, I smiled awkwardly, and we never saw each other again.
Meet the Parents
Though my Mom was thrilled I decided to try out Jdate, she provided me with a stern warning, "Girls your age don't want to casually date. They don't want take things slow. They want to nest and start popping out babies. By the 6th of 7th date they will have already picked out the wedding dress and your childrens' names." I thought my mom was being pretty alarmist, similar to when she claimed that talking on my cell phone will give me brain cancer or that I need to be be careful not to put my drink down when I go out, because someone might drug me and steal my kidneys. Unfortunately in this case, Moms are usually right.
On our fourth date, I headed out to have dinner near her place in King of Prussia. I didn't have my car in Philly yet, so I took the R5 train out. We had a delicious sushi dinner (no that isn't a euphemism) and we went back to her place to watch a movie (yes that is a euphemism) before my train back. Before the movie started, I asked her to check the SEPTA schedule to see when the last two trains were, just to make sure I was able to get back into Philly that night (I had work early the next morning). When the movie finished, I asked her if we still had time to hang out before the last train left. She said, "Of course, the last train doesn't leave for at least an hour." The train actually left during the movie (I could probably make that into a euphemism). This stranded me in KOP for the night. I figured she had misread the schedule and just took a train into the city at the crack o dawn.
A week later was St. Patrick's day. We did the normal, Philly Erin Express wake up at noon and start drinking shitty, green, watered down beer thing. I spent the night over at her place the day after. As we were going to sleep, she turned to me and said, "My mom loved that picture of us from yesterday. She put it up in her home office right next to her picture of my sister and brother-in-law, and tells me that she can't wait to meet you." This was unsettling for a variety of reasons. 1) I didn't even know that a picture of us had been taken 2) Reason 1 precludes a good picture because I was either incredibly drunk at the time or someone took the picture without telling either of us, meaning that we weren't looking at the camera 3) reasons 1 and 2 should preclude her mom thinking that it was a good picture... I can imagine the conversation now, "Mom, despite the fact that he looks like an alcoholic, he's actually a great guy." 4) Telling the guy you are dating that your mom put a picture of you next to your sister and her husband and that she wants to meet you is probably the easiest way to give him commitment anxiety.
I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Things were going well, and I really enjoyed spending time with her. She was very intelligent, witty and cute, so I figured that I would bring it up next time we talked (which would be around six and a half weeks after our first date). I called her and before I had a chance to bring anything up, she asked what I was doing the coming weekend. I said that Friday night my parents were coming through town on their way up to NYC from FL and that I was having dinner with them, my best friend and his girlfriend (both of whom my parents had met several times before). She was silent for a few moments and said, "I assume the reservation is for 6." I was so preoccupied with how I was going to bring up her comment from the day before, I didn't even realize the trap I was walking into. I responded, "No, Its just my parents, my two friends and me, which is 5." She paused again and said, "Don't you think its a little strange that you are taking your best friend out to dinner with parents but not your serious girlfriend." It was at that moment I received a vision of my loving mother shaking her finger at me and saying, "Nesting... I told you so!" Call me "old fashioned" but even though we had discussed being exclusive, going from that to "serious girlfriend" is a big leap (so is going from "serious girlfriend" to meeting the parents). I realize a sizable portion of those on Jdate are there looking for a serious relationship (I count myself as part of that group), but, in my experience, rushing things leads nowhere happy and only creates asymmetries in relationships that ultimately can lead it to fail. Plus, I normally pee on people before I have them meet their parents anyways (read the other posts if that doesn't make sense).
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