The Insomniac

Our first date was pretty normal. We met at Rum Bar for drinks, talked about how we both disliked hippies, crocs, and Lifetime Movie Network, and parted ways after posing with the statue that looks like Captain Morgan in the front of the bar. We met up briefly at her apartment a few days before the second date because she wanted me to "meet her dog" but it was pretty clear she was just using this as an excuse to makeout. Nothing too exciting happened that night. There were tons of pictures of naked women in her apartment that she had drawn. They were actually pretty good, except all of their crotch areas were disgustingly overgrown... imagine a baby black bear where the vajay-jay should have been. Her dog also kept on dry humping my leg, which was kind of awkward (especially when she was doing it too).

Things seemed to be going pretty well, so on our second date, I decided to step things up a notch, and take her to El Vez. We were talking for a bit, then, in the middle of describing what I did at work that day to her, she grabbed my leg under the table and said, "If people weren't eating dinner at the table next to us, I would fuck you on it right now." My initial thought was, "This is certainly promising for my chances of getting laid later", but I didn't really understand why people eating dinner at the table next to us was such a deterrent, but the other 300 people eating dinner in in the restaurant didn't seem to matter. Second, my job is pretty neat, but I'm not a professional athlete, powerful politician, or corporate executive, so I didn't really understand why it gave her such a raging female boner. I touched her hand under the table and said, "I suppose well just need to wait until later... plus I only have sex in El Vez if its on top of a ridiculous bicycle with neon lights and a portrait of Oscar de la Hoya." For those of you that haven't been to El Vez, this statement was mildly witty, because the centerpiece of the bar is a rotating, ridiculous bicycle with neon lights and a portrait of Oscar de la Hoya. I didn't drive that night, because driving after a pitcher of margaritas is the worst idea ever.

We hailed a taxi and literally 3 seconds after we shut the taxi door, jumped on top of and straddled me and started to give me the worst hickey I've ever had in my life (one friend later admitted to me that he thought I got punched in the neck, especially after hearing my other Jdate stories). While in theory the giant hickey might be hot, it just seemed a bit weird in the taxi... plus the cab driver was way too into it (I believe his exact quote was: "Oh Yeah! Grind that bitch good!"). We went back to my place and... About 30 seconds after our adult activities had concluded, she asked where she could find boxers and a t-shirt and raided my dresser, quickly exclaiming that my clothes were much nicer than her last boyfriends. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! She had not only invited herself to stay over, but also declared herself my girlfriend in the 12 seconds it took to get from my bed to my dresser. But why was she the insomniac? When I woke up the next morning her face was 6 inches from mine staring intently.

She didn't say good morning, she simply said, "I didn't sleep a wink, but you were adorable to look at all night... I hope you don't mind that I was flicking the bean in bed last night. I just couldn't help myself, looking at and being in bed with you just made me so hot and I didn't want to wake you up." I didn't know how to react... I could only think to myself, "Did she just say 'flicking the bean?'" I realized that I needed to respond to her comment so I said, "Of course I don't mind. That happens to me all the time... I mean if I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me, I'd have at least a dollar fifty." She laughed, I smiled awkwardly, and we never saw each other again.