The First Jdate

Because this is my first real entry, I'll try and be more narrative. That being said, if you want to get to the really ridiculous part of the story, just scan ahead to the part labeled RIDICULOUS, otherwise just read on... I was really nervous the first few times I signed into Jdate. I didn't have any friends on Jdate or even any friends who were into the online dating thing, so the whole concept was a bit foreign to me, even a bit intimidating. After fumbling around the site for a few days and getting a basic profile up, I was ready to take a more proactive approach, searching through profiles and contacting people online. Much to my surprise, before I could contact anyone on my own, I received an IM from a nice Jewish girl (I'll call her J for the remainder of this entry).

J was a cute, petite, blonde girl from NE Philly. We talked for about 45 minutes online with the ghetto IM interface that Jdate provides, before J needed to go to sleep, because she had work the next day. We agreed to chat again and parted digital ways. Over the next few days we chatted a few more times and decided that we should meet in person. At the time, I didn't have a car in Philly, so I told her that I would take the R6 up to her area and we could grab dinner around there. She had mentioned in an earlier conversation that she really liked Italian food, so I suggested we grab Italian for dinner. J agreed and said that her favorite Italian place was right by the train station. The day or our date arrived, and admittedly I was really excited... I had no idea what I was getting into. The train arrived and J was waiting in her car. We said hi, made some small talk, and headed to our gourmet restaurant destination. It turns out that J's favorite Italian restaurant was the Olive Garden. This was disturbing for two reasons. First, on a metaphysical level, I don't believe its possible for the Olive Garden to be anyone's favorite restaurant, Italian or otherwise. The Olive Garden is the definition of mediocre. Second, I spent 3 months of my life working at the Olive Garden. If you knew what I knew about their food preparation processes, specifically their breadstick preparation methods, you would never eat at the Olive Garden again. (RIDICULOUS) After an 80-minute wait and enough small talk for a medium-sized cocktail party, we sat down for our mediocre Italian meal. We didn't seem to have much in common other than being Jewish, living in Philly, and being mildly attracted to each other, but after the meal ended she invited me back to her place to "watch a movie and hang out." For those of you not well versed in modern day vernacular, that means she wanted to make out.

She drove me back to her place, and as she pulled into her driveway, I saw another car parked in her driveway. Curiously, I asked if her roommate was home. J simply responded, "No. That's my Mom's car." I wasn't really sure how to react. She had never mentioned living with her Mom before, but I could certainly understand how someone would be reluctant or embarrassed to mention it, so I just went with it. J walked me inside and introduced me to her Mother, who was sitting at the kitchen table. Not more than 10 seconds after our introduction, J's mother started crying uncontrollably. Needless to say, I didn't really know how to react to this. I simply figured that I had done something wrong or offensive, so I asked J, "Did I do something wrong? I'm so sorry; I really didn't mean to upset or hurt anyone." J simply responded by starting to cry even more than her mother. At this point I thought to myself, "This is easily the most weird/surreal experience that I have ever had in my life." After about 15 of the most awkward seconds of my life, J's mother says, "I'm sorry, it's just that you look so much like my husband..." and J finished her sentence, "... who died three weeks ago."

I've heard or weird Freudian complexes, but this was fucking ridiculous. I didn't really know what to do, so I just figured I'd make the most of the situation. I simultaneously gave them both a really big hug and simply said, "I'm so sorry." I went on to explain how my grandfather died when I was 16 and how it was a very hard/traimatic experience in an attempt to comfort them a bit. After a few more minutes crying and prolonged awkward silences while still hugging them, they both stopped crying and thanked me (which I actually remember really appreciating at the time). At this point, I was absolutely sure she would take me back to the train station. She asked me if I was ready to go upstairs and watch the movie. Though I'm a huge fan of making out, I don't really like doing it while the girl's mother is home or after she has just cried uncontrollably for 15 minutes (call me picky if you must). At this point I didn't really have the heart to say no, so we went up to her room and she showed me her DVD selection (no that isn't a euphemism).

I decided to pick the least romantic movie she had, Pitch Black (the prequel to Chronicles of Riddick). About 15 minutes into the movie, her Mother knocked on the door and said, "Goodnight you two, it was great meeting you, see you two in the morning." This was horribly wrong for a variety of reasons. First, I don't really consider hugging someone for 15 minutes while they cry uncontrollably "meeting them," and second, why would she see me in the morning? I didn't know how to respond, so I simply said "Goodnight!" Not more than 30 seconds later, J started rubbing my left leg with her hand and nuzzling my neck. Most any other time in my life I probably would have gone with it (remember she was very cute) but all I could think to myself was, "How the fuck am I going to get out of this?" The only thing I could think of saying was, "J, I really like you, but I really think that we are moving too fast." I was really thinking to myself, "This has been the most crazy/awkward night of my life, and I have no idea how you could actually think that I'd be in the mood to romance you after that, especially considering your mother is in the room next to us." The movie ended not a moment too soon, J drove me back to the train station, we promised that we would talk to each other again soon (this happens often on Jdates for some reason even though neither party has this intention), and we parted ways.

My first Jdate was over. I'm not quite sure why I continued with Jdate after such an odd/dysfunctional first experience, but I guess I figured that the second one couldn't be as bad as the first and on some level my experience was so incredibly ridiculous that it was a bit entertaining (even to me) in retrospect. Though my later experiences with Jdate weren't quite as ridiculous, I had a few that were at least as awkward and just as interesting. Check back soon for details on those..