You're In! An Awkward Sexual Experience (The title will make sense after you read it)

It was a Thursday night in the spring when she first contacted me. I don't remember the day or even the month, I just know that it was a Thursday. I know that it was a Thursday night, because about an hour into a pretty fantastic conversation she revealed to me that she was feeling really high on life. Though I am quite the cunning linguist, I suspected my conversational skills were not the reason for her elation. I asked her why, and she explained that on Thursday nights she got together with one of her male friends and they spanked each other. They didn't make out. They didn't have sex. They simply spanked each other. Though that's not really my style, it seemed relatively harmless, so I didn't really think anything of it and our witty banter continued.

Admittedly, I was initially a bit worried about the spanking incidents. I mean I like mixing it up in the bedroom just as much as the next guy, but for some reason I kept on having visions of the sex slave from Pulp Fiction in the full body black leather suit with matching gag and leather whip and I really wasn't okay with that. Still, it was only about 45 seconds of our 2 hours conversation, so I decided that I should give her a chance. We talked a lot and went on a few really nice dates over the next two or three weeks. We even made out a few times and it was completely normal. I kept on expecting her to give me a kiss then punch me in the face, but to my pleasant surprise it never happened, and so I eventually stopped worrying about it.

Then one night she came into the city for dinner and we went back to my place afterwards. One thing led to another and we ended up topless on my bed. I was about to give go to give her another kiss when she looked me in the eyes and loudly said, "BITE ME!" It seems my fears from earlier might yet be realized, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions so I timidly asked, "What do you mean bite me?" She replied a bit exasperated, "You know, bite me." I knew full well what she wanted, but just to make sure I asked, "You mean a sensual nibble?" Instantly her facial expression became incredibly stern and she impatiently demanded, "No, I want you to bite me hard. I want you to bite my nipple and I want it to bleed." About 300 things ran through my head in the next .2 seconds. Here's a sampling. First, the words "Oh Shit!". Second, I was really confused, because I had seen her nipples quite a few times and there weren't any bite marks. Third, I thought, "How can I best communicate to her that I'm not a biter?" Fourth I thought, "I really hope she doesn't punch me in the face." Finally I said, "I think it would make me uncomfortable to bite you so hard that you would bleed." In a million years I could have never anticipated her reaction. She looked at me with a smirk of intense annoyance and said, "Well will you at least pee on me right now?"

This was disturbing for at least three reasons. First, I don't really understand the golden shower thing. I know that some people are into it and I know that there are a lot of pheromones in pee so I can at least see how there might be some biological basis for it, but as a rule I try and keep toilet related functions out of the bedroom. Second, the use of the words "at least" imply that me peeing on her is way more acceptable than biting her hard enough to cause bleeding. Even months after the incident I'm still not sure which of the two is worse, but the fact that social hierarchy of golden showers and blood inducing nipple biting was so clear cut to her is almost as disturbing as the fact that she wanted me to do both of them to her. Finally, the "right now" implied that she wanted me to pee on her while she was still in my bed. Though I am 99.9% sure that I will never pee on anyone for the purpose of inducing a positive sexual response, I am 100% positive that if it ever does happen it will not involve any urine getting on my bed. Luckily, she had driven her own car into the city that night, so I didn't need to drive her back out to the suburbs. I can imagine that being the most awkward car ride ever.

On a certain level I think I blame myself for this one. Maybe I should have known better or seen this one coming after the whole weekly Thursday spanking conversation. Maybe I let the fact that she was really great in a lot of ways overshadow something that clearly was going to come back and bite me (note pun). Maybe I was willing to do this, because I had been on Jdate for a few months without finding anyone the I really liked as much as her. Maybe now you understand the name of the story.